I’m not really sure where to start, or even why I feel the strong desire to start writing, but either way this is something that I must start now. It’s taken me a while now to actually take that first leap onto the paper and just let the words flow. Last night, I was read by a Medium who told me that this needs to be done and she was told this by my guides. I’m not sure exactly who they are but they are here with me now. I had to research this “Automatic typing” thing online to see what it was all about. Pretty interesting shit.
I am going to start with a question…hmmm…what questions would that be ?
“Where are you leading me? Where are you guiding me? What is my purpose?”
This seems like pretty broad questions and I know that it isn’t anywhere specific that I am going, but I’m wondering what it is that I really need to do. All this time, throughout much of my life, I’ve had an intense urge to heal, help, assist, do whatever I can to help someone any time of the day and any place needed. Really, I’ve lived my entire life trying to do this. People come to me all the time with their woes, troubles, insecurities, questions about decisions, just everything and I am always so receptI’ve to them. At some stages in my life I felt fake. Like I was just acting like I cared to make that person feel understood or cared about. But as I overanalyzed myself all these times it started to become really who I was and am now. It stopped feeling “fake” and now it’s something I get fulfillment from each and every time. I enjoyed it then too but I guess I just wasn’t as connected with why I was doing it and why, they wanted ME to do it.
I have hundred of friends around the country. Everyone is different. Different groups of people, types of people, races, interests, dislikes, etc. and each one is just as important to me as the next. And of those friends, we share many of the same friends so why aren’t any of them going to another mutual friend with their problems? Why was it always me? Well I think now I understand why because I feel it now.
When someone calls me, I know. Before I even get to hear their voice I know something is needed of me. Sometimes, I can even tell by the time of day it is when my phone rings. In all actuality, aside from my husband calling me, most people that call need something of me. It can be a favor, questions they have or advise but usually it’s always something. In the past I’ve shut down sometimes and gotten angry that so many people spew their issues onto me yet no one ever asks if I need anything. That went on for a long time. I had enough already and wanted “me time”. Well, I took that “me time” and actually shed a few friends in the process. I’m pretty confident it was a “shedding” of negativity that lead me in that path and in the end I still believe that to be so. Or at least, for now that is. Many of the urgent needs stopped and I slowly regained some normalcy in my life where I could operate in a loving and caring way with friends & family but it wasn’t consuming me and causing me to neglect myself. I went though some crazy times around then but now I’m seeing that it was all part of me experiencing, seeing and learning about my purpose here on earth in this life.
It’s really not as easy as it may sound, to always strive to make others happy. The act of making people happy requires a lot of personal sacrifices. Ive spent nights away from my babies for another’s happiness. Ive guided friends through decisions that I sometimes felt were more important to me, than they were to those having to choose. Ive chosen not to do things ive wanted because it might mean I wouldn’t be there for someone who needed me even though, no one did at that very moment…or at least, that I knew of at the time.
Looking back now, it’s pretty amazing, the shit ive done for others while still maintaining that drive and determination to keep loving and guiding. It feels so good inside to see someone smile and enjoy even just a moment of happiness and Light in their lives. I thrive off this stuff. It gives me such peace at night knowing that something I did resulted in that person doing something they love or just made them smile. I also enjoy being the person that did it and them knowing that I love them or care, that much. I want people to know that I care because I do. Even strangers or those who may have done me wrong, I still find ways to see them in Light and find the good things about them.
I didn’t used to be this way, but I’ve grown into someone that I am sometimes very surprised to be at times, myself. How could I care about someone who put their hands on another person in anger? How could I care about a man sitting in a jail cell for killing another person? How can I feel sympathy for a person who may have molested a child or done the unthinkable? What does that say about me? Is this a good thing or am I naive? Or, am I sensing their souls as opposed to their physical being? I believe, the latter of that is true. I recognize actions made in the physical world but I can see what is inside of people and in their spirits, this isn’t who they are. They do not know why, although their minds tell them they do, they don’t, they won’t and they may never. But maybe, I can help. How? How do I touch someone’s soul? How can I do this? What language do I need to speak to actually speak to your soul? I need to think about this one for a bit.